I grew up in church, as a pastor's daughter, so I did grow up with many masks. I learned early on how to play the role of the pastor's/preacher's daughter: wear the dresses, smile pretty, don't make a fuss, don't cry, don't get angry, agree with everything that the church says, don't get involved with boys, don't be too silly, be sociable, blah blah blah. So many rules and expectations. Never feeling like I was good enough. Scared of who I was, hiding behind all of my pretty, shiny masks. Always trying to be who everyone wanted me to be in order to keep daddy's reputation.
After years of doing this (plus a few other important factors such as trauma and my own poor decision making skills), I developed some pretty major issues. All of my masks were crushing me. They began to tighten their grip on me, much like the black gunk that latched itself onto Spider Man in Spider Man 2. I couldn't tell who was really me and who was fake. So I became fake. This is what landed me at Mercy Ministries 6 months ago. There they said my main problem was being authentic. I was frustrated and very confused; you see, I thought I was real. But I wasn't. I was still putting on the same smile, saying I was fine, that my life was great, because I mean, I found out who Christ really was so all I was all better, right? Wrong. I didn't know who I was in Christ, which is who we all really are. We are never the real "us" until we've figured out who Christ really is and we come to know and believe who He has made us to be. And we will never know that until we can become real about our humanness.
So this is me being real. I'm sick of being the quiet girl who never stirs up trouble, but instead suffocates herself. God didn't create me sit idly and watch life pass me by. He created me to use my voice, even if that does mean causing some controversy every now and then. So, really, the holidays were hard for me this year, just as they have been the past 3 years or so. I just got home from Louisiana, and have been trying to get used to being in the same environment that I was in when I was stuck in the grips of bulimia, trying to discover how to handle life in a different way. Trying to figure out how to be in the house where I would frequenly suffocate myself with food and learn how to turn to other things to soothe myself, especially when the food is right there staring me in the face. I have been discovering how to use my voice when I would otherwise back down and surrender my rights in order not to "hurt anyone's feelings". But what was different about this year was that even though I ended up eating too much on Christmas Eve and Christmas, I learned to pick myself back up. I learned to repent to God for not turning to Him when I needed help, and I learned to stop myself in the midst of my self-destructive behavior, fill myself with the truth, and to start over new rather than beating myself up for the next week. I am learning that I must replace my addiction to food with addiction to Christ.
Something else this book made me realize is that I am truly not alone. Statistically, I know this. As a psychology major, I know about how millions upon millions go into treatment for depression, sexual sins, self-harm, drug abuse, and eating disorder behavior just like I have. But to know that people are scared to be real (or have truly lost who they are) is a sad comfort. It is nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, but it is devastating to know that pretty much everyone is having an identity crisis, and that people are turning to drugs, food, shopping, relationships, approval of others, success, money, material objects, sex, etc to find who they are rather than turning to the church, who are meant to be extensions of Christ. And because the Church has generally failed at being Christ's hands and feet, we have failed to point people to Christ. We are all hurting, and it is pretty much all our fault. We are scared of being real, unsure of who God made us to be and if He would actually love us, and yet we spiritually cripple others by not allowing them to be real.
So this is me being real. I have been angry with the church and with my loved ones for a very long time. I have been sexually abused. I have struggled in the past with drug abuse, bulimia, anorexia, and self-mutilation. I have been labelled as and diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. I have struggled with pornography and questioned my sexuality. I have been in unhealthy relationships with men for years at a time, and stayed with them out of fear of lonliness and out of the fear of the possibility that I may be unloveable. I have lived in fear my whole life of people's opinion of me. I have tried and failed my whole life to try to fit the mold of the world. I have tried to stuff my pain, struggles, anger, and sadness with my various addictions and struggles.
All images from Permission to Speak Freely
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