Refocused

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Man, God has been having a field day with me lately!

I have been trying to master the art of seeking God's guidance in everything and trusting in Him. Over the past few days, I have forgotten what it is to have a health-centered attitude about my body and food than it is to have an appearance-centered one. I know that God wants me to honor my body because it is His temple, not because I will look a certain way. God reminded me today that I need to trust Him with my weight and with guiding me with what and how much I eat rather than trying to control it on my own. But at the same time, I know there has to be balance: I still must care about what I eat and how much I weigh, but from a health standpoint. And I must plan my meals and have structure, but not be legalistic. It's all about balance. It's about having grace with myself, to be able to let myself "splurge" every now and then. But only in quality of the food, not in quantity. I forget that gluttony is a sin, so I want to remember that overeating in any way is the exact opposite of glorifying God. I want to be more mindful of how I am treating my body because I want to do what is right. I need my motivation to be right.

Even past the issue of eating healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, I am working on balancing my life in general: balancing relaxing time with time to work, balancing how much time I spend with the people in my life, etc. I am learning how to do enough but not too much. I want to work on being able to be a student, a Christian, a leader, a daughter, a girlfriend, and eventually a counselor, but to be able to do them without stretching myself too thin, and under God's guidance. I want to work on glorifying God with everything I do: in my running, eating, studying, reading, how I spend my time and my money, with what I watch and listen to, and who I associate with. I want to be completely guided by Him rather than me trying to take control of everything. You would think I would have learned by now that when I try to control things, they don't work out! Because God is the creator of everything in my life, so of course only He knows best! The battle between the flesh and the Spirit is so evident when it comes to control; it's second-nature to control my life, and yet each day I am gradually learning to let God take control, because I want what He wants for me! Jesus knows best, and it's about time that I let Him take the wheel and take me where He wants me to go, to take care of my body the way He wants me to, to interact with people that He places in my life rather than who I want there, to pursue the profession that He has called me to rather than the one that I think will earn me the most money or security.

I am refocused. God has pressed the "reset" button in my mind. I have remembered that I am to worship God in everything I do, including my thoughts and motives behind my actions. My prayer today is for God's guidance and grace, and for protection against temptation, the temptation to not take care of my body, to become obsessive over anything but Him, to take the control over my life out of His hands, and to follow my own knowledge and reasoning rather than having faith like a child in the God who knows all and has my best interest at heart.

I'm Not Alone

I am reading this book called "Permission to Speak Freely", and it is really inspiring. It is about how churches are filled with people who are scared. Scared of revealing their struggles. Scared of judgement. Scared of failure. Unable to receive God's grace and mercy because they fear man, so they fear God. I can relate.

I grew up in church, as a pastor's daughter, so I did grow up with many masks. I learned early on how to play the role of the pastor's/preacher's daughter: wear the dresses, smile pretty, don't make a fuss, don't cry, don't get angry, agree with everything that the church says, don't get involved with boys, don't be too silly, be sociable, blah blah blah. So many rules and expectations. Never feeling like I was good enough. Scared of who I was, hiding behind all of my pretty, shiny masks. Always trying to be who everyone wanted me to be in order to keep daddy's reputation.

After years of doing this (plus a few other important factors such as trauma and my own poor decision making skills), I developed some pretty major issues. All of my masks were crushing me. They began to tighten their grip on me, much like the black gunk that latched itself onto Spider Man in Spider Man 2. I couldn't tell who was really me and who was fake. So I became fake. This is what landed me at Mercy Ministries 6 months ago. There they said my main problem was being authentic. I was frustrated and very confused; you see, I thought I was real. But I wasn't. I was still putting on the same smile, saying I was fine, that my life was great, because I mean, I found out who Christ really was so all I was all better, right? Wrong. I didn't know who I was in Christ, which is who we all really are. We are never the real "us" until we've figured out who Christ really is and we come to know and believe who He has made us to be. And we will never know that until we can become real about our humanness.

So this is me being real. I'm sick of being the quiet girl who never stirs up trouble, but instead suffocates herself. God didn't create me sit idly and watch life pass me by. He created me to use my voice, even if that does mean causing some controversy every now and then. So, really, the holidays were hard for me this year, just as they have been the past 3 years or so. I just got home from Louisiana, and have been trying to get used to being in the same environment that I was in when I was stuck in the grips of bulimia, trying to discover how to handle life in a different way. Trying to figure out how to be in the house where I would frequenly suffocate myself with food and learn how to turn to other things to soothe myself, especially when the food is right there staring me in the face. I have been discovering how to use my voice when I would otherwise back down and surrender my rights in order not to "hurt anyone's feelings". But what was different about this year was that even though I ended up eating too much on Christmas Eve and Christmas, I learned to pick myself back up. I learned to repent to God for not turning to Him when I needed help, and I learned to stop myself in the midst of my self-destructive behavior, fill myself with the truth, and to start over new rather than beating myself up for the next week. I am learning that I must replace my addiction to food with addiction to Christ.

Something else this book made me realize is that I am truly not alone. Statistically, I know this. As a psychology major, I know about how millions upon millions go into treatment for depression, sexual sins, self-harm, drug abuse, and eating disorder behavior just like I have. But to know that people are scared to be real (or have truly lost who they are) is a sad comfort. It is nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, but it is devastating to know that pretty much everyone is having an identity crisis, and that people are turning to drugs, food, shopping, relationships, approval of others, success, money, material objects, sex, etc to find who they are rather than turning to the church, who are meant to be extensions of Christ. And because the Church has generally failed at being Christ's hands and feet, we have failed to point people to Christ. We are all hurting, and it is pretty much all our fault. We are scared of being real, unsure of who God made us to be and if He would actually love us, and yet we spiritually cripple others by not allowing them to be real.

So this is me being real. I have been angry with the church and with my loved ones for a very long time. I have been sexually abused. I have struggled in the past with drug abuse, bulimia, anorexia, and self-mutilation. I have been labelled as and diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. I have struggled with pornography and questioned my sexuality. I have been in unhealthy relationships with men for years at a time, and stayed with them out of fear of lonliness and out of the fear of the possibility that I may be unloveable. I have lived in fear my whole life of people's opinion of me. I have tried and failed my whole life to try to fit the mold of the world. I have tried to stuff my pain, struggles, anger, and sadness with my various addictions and struggles.

But I am transforming. I know that God created me to be so much more than a ball of issues. He desires to use those issues, my dirty laundry, in order to help clean others' lives up. I no longer have to stuff who I am inside. I can let it shine. I don't know who I am completely yet, but I am unpeeling the layers slowly. I know who Christ created me to be, and I am in the process of living it out. I am no longer bound by my eating disorder, but it is still a temptation. God never said that I would never struggle again, but He did say that He would allow a way out for every temptation, that He would forgive me when I do fall, and that He would provide me with the strength to overcome any temptation, addiction, or struggle. I have permission to speak freely. I can say what I need, feel, think, and want. And I don't have to live in fear of man. For if my God is for me, then who can be against me?

All images from Permission to Speak Freely

Not About Me

Something that I really feel like God has been speaking to me is that life is really not about me at all, and how much I really do think about myself. And I know that I'm not the only one!

I find myself thinking constantly about my comfort, my looks, my feelings, and my future. I know it's not wrong to think about these things, but I believe that God's purpose for me is not to be comfortable. It is to be a witness to others, to love them the way that Christ has loved me. The purpose for how my life has turned out is coming together: the trauma I've been through, the addictions and strongholds I've struggled with, and the freedom that I am experiencing is all so that I can be an example and so that I can point those who need restoration to the one who restores!

Today was the first time since I've gotten home from treatment that I really struggled with food. I ended up eating too much, ended up justifying that I could overeat because, hey, it's the holidays, and I can just run it off tomorrow. Then God spoke to me; He said, "Anytime you're not taking care of your body, you're sinning against me". I stopped eating immediately and came to write this. God never said that I would never be tempted or never stumble, but I know that I have His grace. I know that He will forgive me for not taking care of my body and that He will guide me in how to handle the holidays without abusing my body or turning to food to soothe myself. I want to learn to rely on God in every way, to please Him and glorify Him in everything I do. I am to learn to rely on God rather than my own strength, because my strength means turning to food or dieting to cope. I am to overcome this so that I can be used to save others. It's not really about me at all.

Today I am so thankful for His patience and guidance! I love it when He peices my life together and gives me revelation. I am on a journey to find myself and discover my purpose and meaning. And I know that God is holding my hand the whole way =]

My New Journey

This is the first time that I have blogged since I was in middle school, back when Xanga was all the rage! Back then, I was a very depressed and lost teenager. But now I want to chronicle my new life, one that God has completely transformed and restored. I am just here to write about my thoughts, my life, and what God is showing me and working on me with.

First, about me... I am 21 years old. I am a Psychology Major and would love to get a Master's in Biblical Counseling. I care a lot about fitness and nutrition. I love to run, and am currently training for my first half marathon! I have been in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend Matt for three years. I live at home with my parents and brother, who have also decided to take in my uncle and two friends of the family, so we have 7 people plus one dog in this home. Needless to say, things can get fairly interesting! My dad is a pastor and I am beginning to get involved in ministry at my church. I am passionate about young girls; I someday want to help them overcome life-controlling issues, to find balance in their lives, and to show them the real heart of Christ.

I actually just got home from Mercy Ministries to get treatment for my four year battle with bulimia and anorexia. But, praise the Lord, I am healed and I have the proper tools to deal with life. With Christ, all things are possible, and with Him in my life, I have no need to fill the void in my heart with anything but Him. All I want out of this life is to be a woman after God's own heart, and to fulfill HIS plans for me!