Walking in Obedience Opens the Door to Freedom

A few months ago, I felt in my heart that God had wanted me to give up the scale, to completely rely on Him to maintain my health and figure (which the latter is honestly what I was more worried about)
But I couldn't do it. I didn't feel strong enough.
Then of course that turned into me obsessing over the number, relapsing, and now me pulling myself out of the hole that I had dug for myself.
I haven't been able to go longer than 2 weeks without binging ever since all of this eating disorder non-sense started 4 years ago.
Now I see that was largely due to my fear of losing control of so many things, but one thing mostly being my weight and all of the complex things that an increased weight could signify, like if I were heavier the whole world would see me as incompetent, lazy, unattractive, and disgusting... pretty much everything I felt like I truly was on the inside.
I've been hiding every essence of who I am behind the scale and my eating disorder.
Not anymore.
A few weeks ago I had binged (once again), and the next day went to my boyfriend crying about it (once again) wondering why I couldn't break free after so long of trying, of going to several support groups, therapists, nutritionists, doctors, doing hours upon hours of research online on recovery tips, after leaving everything I knew and loved behind for 5 months to go into in-patient treatment...

And then I discovered this song:

"Monster" by Paramore

You were my conscience
So solid, now you're like water
And we started drowning
Not like we'd sink any further
But I let my heart go
It's somewhere down at the bottom
But I'll get a new one
And come back for the hope that you've stolen

I'll stop the whole world,
I'll stop the whole world
From turning into a monster,
Eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we survive?
Well now that you're gone, the world is ours

I'm only human,
I've got a skeleton in me
But I'm not the villan,
Despite what you're always preaching
And call me a traitor,
I'm just collecting your victims
They're getting stronger,
I hear them calling, they're calling

I'll stop the whole world,
I'll stop the whole world
From turning into a monster,
Eating us alive
Don't you ever wonder how we survive?
Well now that you're gone, the world is ours 

And while I am almost 100% sure this song has nothing to do with eating disorders, it has effected my recovery immensely.
I am fighting this with everything that I have, and that means taking huge leaps of faith that scare the crap out of me.
I've been repeating this song over and over on my ipod, my passion growing more with each play.
Something had hit me like someone had punched me in the face... What in the hell does my weight have to do with anything? And why did I give something so insignificant so much power over me?
I knew right then that the scale was the major contributor to keeping me in bondage.
This whole battle started with a comment on my flabby arms, and I began to diet.
I saw the number on the scale, and decided it wasn't enough. I had a number in my head though, the number that would cure everything wrong within me.
It was the number that I was when I was a freshman in high school, when I had initially lost all of my weight from middle school.
It's the first time I remember being accepted by my peers. Boys finally thought I was hot. Girls wanted to be my friend. I wasn't the fat, nerdy, Jesus freak anymore. I was cool, fun, and of course, in control.
So I became a number that symbolized everything I wanted to be and felt simaltaneously that I could never be: desireable, funny, beautiful, worthy.
My identity was tied to becoming a certain number. But of course I reached that number pretty rapidly, and I still wasn't whole. So of course, that meant I had to be less to be more.
And this has been my battle. Major events of my life, what I remember most is 1) what I weighed and 2) what I ate (or avoided eating)
Decisions of what to eat or not eat were always based on that magical number. If it was what I desired or lower, I justified binge-eating, treating it like it was a glorious reward for all of the hard work I had done.
If the number was higher, I would restrict my intake, work out harder and longer, take laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, whatever it took to meet that magical number.
And either way, I was left feeling empty, hopeless, depressed, unfulfilled because I was chasing something I could never really attain.
Not anymore.

I've given up the scale, and even though the desire is still there to know what that stupid machine says about me, I've resisted.
And that's only because I have tapped into the strength that God has given me to obey Him.
Just in the past few weeks, I have experienced so much more freedom than I ever thought I could.
The urges to binge have decreased significantly; I have made it 1 week so far and am going strong :)
And I actually like my body rather than just accepting it.
I love eating. And not in the obsessive way. I love eating foods that taste good, that nourish my body, that give me energy.
I can actually listen to my body because I am not basing what I do on a number. I can eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm satisfied, and not feel like a fatty because the scale might be higher the next day.
I can work out the way I actually want to because I'm not concerned with how many calories I'm burning or how much I'm sweating to lose water weight.
I can instead do what feels good to my body, gives me energy, and makes me stronger, faster, and healthier.
Even my boyfriend says he can see the light in me again.
I can visit him and really focus on being with him rather than obsessing over what to eat or not eat, about if he's watching me or thinking I am insane, or when I can get away to go exercise
I can go out to eat with him on the weekends and trust that I can order what I really want rather than what has the fewest calories or fat
Because I'm not a slave to the scale anymore. Without the number defining me, I'm free to be myself.
Or rather, who God created me to be.
Instead of chasing the pursuits of this world, the unattainable standard of perfection, I am chasing after Him, after enjoying the life He gave me, after blessing the people He has put into my life.

Finally, I'm starting to understand how to take my eyes off of me and onto Him :)

Strength is Ours for the Taking

"In the day when I called, You answered me; and You strengthened me with strength (might and inflexibility to temptation) in my inner self." Psalm 138: 3

I drive to Walmart to walk around. I have a few minutes to spare before I meet a friend, and I am tired of being at home. I am fidgety and anxious, restless, bored. As I pull into the parking lot, I pray for strength to resist the urge to buy tons of food and binge on my way to my friend. I walk into the store and see all of the glorious food, the ones I typically crave, the ones that make me feel happy and calm when I gorge myself with them. I keep praying for strength, but then I think, "Well, I have enough time. I've been good. I could stand to gain a few pounds. It will make me feel better!" Then I give in to the temptation, buy the food, stuff it in, and enter a food-coma, wondering where God was in that moment.

God has recently shown me that I can pray for strength all I want, but it is my responsibility to tap into that strength, to rely on it to resist temptation! In "Unmerited Favor", Joseph Price talks about how we don't have to earn grace or favor from God. In fact, we can't because Christ already paid the price for us to have it! He bridged the gap between us and God, so there is nothing that we can do once we have accepted Christ as our Savior in order to lose favor or a right standing with God! However, this doesn't mean we lose our responsibility. We don't get a free pass to sin. This just means that no matter how many times we fall, He is always there to pick us up, and strengthen us to resist the next temptation.

We have to accept that strength! Like I would typically do, I would pray for strength, hoping that God would intervene on my free will and "make" me make the right choices. But while realizing that I cannot overcome my addictions and temptations in my own strength, I have to accept that like grace, God has already given us strength! We don't have to ask for it. It is already ours! We have inherited it! All we have to do is realize the source, accept it, and do whatever it takes to flee temptation! And when we do fall, we take responsibility and move on.

choosing life.

Life has been... well, crazy.
Pretty boring, but hectic. And sickening, honestly.
Here's what my life has been for the past 8 weeks:

• Stressed with school work -- finals last semester and now I'm taking a 4-week session that has me SLAMMED constantly. Can barely spend time with anyone!
• Pretty much abandoned my relationship with God. Having a hard time fitting in time for devos or watching Joyce, and honestly, I've been a bit POed with God -- next bullet somewhat explains it...
• RELAPSE. Oh joy.
• Started with crazy binge-eating with finals, which led to weight gain, and then...
• Began restricting again. As usual, started out fairly innocently. Just wanted to lose what I gained during finals. But, of course, I can't do things in moderation, can I?
• So lost more weight. Got back into the fasting/binging/purging with laxatives and diuretics mode.
• Got down to about 6 lbs below the minimum weight my nutritionist wanted me to be (not to say too much about numbers, but BMI was about 19, which isn't underweight so a part of me doesn't understand why this has been considered "bad"-- that's the ED talking)
• The past week has been b/p non-stop, and now I'm back in my range, even though it's all in my stomach... yay for bloating

The results of this abuse has been pretty devastating surprisingly, since I've done this in the past and haven't felt nearly this ill. I've been getting very dizzy and faint, can feel my heart palpitating, nauseous, haven't been able to concentrate, getting really confused, feeling very out-of-it and spaced out, and very grumpy and moody. There have been times where I literally felt like I was going to die, which is scary.

So, I am trying to get back on track. Although I do want to be thin, more than that, I want to live. I want to be fit and healthy. I want a social life (even though it is minimal anyways lol). I want to be able to focus when I am in classes and when I am talking to people. I want to love my body, even though that's a toughy. And I want purpose in life. I know that life is about so much more than myself, my body, and what I eat. My life is about what God wants me to do and what He has created me to do.

You may not understand why I'm writing this, but a huge part of having an ED is secrecy and trying to sugar-coat how bad things are. So this is me reaching out and trying to get my life back. Here's a snippet of what I plan to do to get back on track:

• Get back to structured/regular eating-- make sure I'm getting the nutrients I need and try to let myself have foods I'm craving in moderation
• Be open and honest-- I suck at reaching out because I feel like a whiny baby. But at the same time, I worry about people trying to be too much in my business. So I need a balance in this area, between being super-dependent and shutting people out.
• Focus on taking care of my body and being fit and healthy rather than fixating on a "thin" image. Trying to be who the world wants me to be isn't worth the price. Along with this, I need to be okay being at the range my nutritionist has advised me to be at, even though most of the time I feel "fat" at that weight... bleh.
• Work on my relationship with God-- as hard as it is, I need to learn to trust Him, to rely on Him for strength, and to focus on Him rather than food/myself
• Figure out how to deal with my emotions/issues that led me to relapse in the first place, such as handling stress, managing relationships, dealing with low self-esteem, identity issues, etc.

Things That Make Me Joyful part 4

26. Powerade Zero :)

27. Naps

28. A Quiet House (Makes me feel like this!)

29. One Tree Hill!

30. Wearing Sweats

31. Salads

32. Hearing from old friends

33. Being Motivated

34. Road Trips!

35. Pedicures

Things That Make Me Joyful part 3

16. Broccoli :)

17. Wool socks!

18. Cycling class

19. Highlighters

20. Being strong

21. The thought of getting married :)

22. The beach!

23. Holy jeans :)

24. Text talk

25. Doggies

Roller.Coaster

Ugh. Finals should be against the law.
Even with good grades, the stress is taking a toll on me. Thinking about possibly losing my A's makes me a ball of nerves.
And the sad part is, I don't realize it until ED (AKA eating disorder, or who I like to sometimes call "The Bitch") creeps up and taunts me.
Like it has ALL DAY today and the past few days.
Just to be honest, sometimes it feels hopeless. Like this will never leave.
But I know the truth. I know that I have been set free. I know I have a choice. I have control.
I don't have to listen to the feelings. I must listen to the truth about what God's word says about me.
Just have to get through each day one day at a time.
In time, I will pull through...

Emotion Dump

It's obviously been a while since I've blogged, and it's mostly because school has been crazy busy. I have been having a hard time because food is still a struggle. Some weeks are awesome, and other weeks are horrible. I still have a tendency to use food as comfort. Luckily, I do think that the struggle has decreased a ton. The hold that the eating disorder had on me is not nearly as powerful as it used to be. But at the same time, I still end up binge eating about once a week. There are things that I don't know how to handle.

For example, my main issue is just plain old food cravings. A food will get in my head, and it won't get out of my head until I get that food. Then usually, once I get that food, I get this, "well, screw it" attitude and end up eating a ton more food than I want. I know that I can probably solve this problem by allowing myself the food I'm craving in a moderate portion by working it into my daily eating plan. However, there's this second issue that has been hidden for a while, but has recently reared it's head big time: EMOTIONS. Food is very much still my comfort. I'm stressed about school, let's eat. I'm stressed about how I feel like I'm being controlled by my boyfriend: let's eat a box of donuts. I feel invisible and unloved: nothing Ben & Jerry's can't fix. I am anxious because it's the night before a group project is due and it hasn't been turned in: warm cookies will soothe my fears. I know from treatment that I am supposed to rely on God for these things. And I know that He is always here. But I'm not sure how to rely on Him when most of the time I can't feel Him. At least food is tangible: I can touch it, feel it, taste it. I can feel the physical effects of it filling me and soothing me.

There's a whole ball of issues with God as well. I haven't felt like I've been a "good" Christian because my relationships with the people in my life have been deficit. I have few close people in my life to begin with, mostly due to my somewhat intense shyness. But with the people in my life who are there, I feel like I'm just a complete jerk that can't change. I am supposed to be Christ-like, and yet I am pretty snappy with the people that I love the most. Matt always feels like I reject him because I am not very physically affectionate. My parents are distant and practically absent from my life; they are there physically, but emotionally I can't seem to connect with them. And the two other pretty significant people in my life, my pretty close friends, well we just don't seem to have much time for each other. So, I feel pretty much alone and disconnected. Food is the only thing that I feel like is there always. It's never too busy for me. It never pulls away from me. It never accuses me of rejecting it.

On the flip side, I know that I can't keep doing this. I know that in the big picture, binging once a week probably isn't that big of a deal, especially since people with hardcore eating disorders such as compulsive overeaters and bulimics typically binge multiple times a day. So in comparison, I'm not doing too shabby. But I know that moderation is a key in my life that I can't seem to master. And I know that I need healthier coping mechanisms for my pain, but I can't seem to find any that really do it for me. Blogging this right now is pretty good... now if I could get myself to turn to this FIRST and not after I've already stuffed myself with food, that would be fantastic. But what else can I do to fill me? What can fill me besides food? I know that God is the answer. But how do I exactly get Him to fill me? How do I find comfort in Him? But the most important question of all, how do I find this balance in my eating, and finally master this whole "all or nothing" attitude with food?