Emotion Dump

It's obviously been a while since I've blogged, and it's mostly because school has been crazy busy. I have been having a hard time because food is still a struggle. Some weeks are awesome, and other weeks are horrible. I still have a tendency to use food as comfort. Luckily, I do think that the struggle has decreased a ton. The hold that the eating disorder had on me is not nearly as powerful as it used to be. But at the same time, I still end up binge eating about once a week. There are things that I don't know how to handle.

For example, my main issue is just plain old food cravings. A food will get in my head, and it won't get out of my head until I get that food. Then usually, once I get that food, I get this, "well, screw it" attitude and end up eating a ton more food than I want. I know that I can probably solve this problem by allowing myself the food I'm craving in a moderate portion by working it into my daily eating plan. However, there's this second issue that has been hidden for a while, but has recently reared it's head big time: EMOTIONS. Food is very much still my comfort. I'm stressed about school, let's eat. I'm stressed about how I feel like I'm being controlled by my boyfriend: let's eat a box of donuts. I feel invisible and unloved: nothing Ben & Jerry's can't fix. I am anxious because it's the night before a group project is due and it hasn't been turned in: warm cookies will soothe my fears. I know from treatment that I am supposed to rely on God for these things. And I know that He is always here. But I'm not sure how to rely on Him when most of the time I can't feel Him. At least food is tangible: I can touch it, feel it, taste it. I can feel the physical effects of it filling me and soothing me.

There's a whole ball of issues with God as well. I haven't felt like I've been a "good" Christian because my relationships with the people in my life have been deficit. I have few close people in my life to begin with, mostly due to my somewhat intense shyness. But with the people in my life who are there, I feel like I'm just a complete jerk that can't change. I am supposed to be Christ-like, and yet I am pretty snappy with the people that I love the most. Matt always feels like I reject him because I am not very physically affectionate. My parents are distant and practically absent from my life; they are there physically, but emotionally I can't seem to connect with them. And the two other pretty significant people in my life, my pretty close friends, well we just don't seem to have much time for each other. So, I feel pretty much alone and disconnected. Food is the only thing that I feel like is there always. It's never too busy for me. It never pulls away from me. It never accuses me of rejecting it.

On the flip side, I know that I can't keep doing this. I know that in the big picture, binging once a week probably isn't that big of a deal, especially since people with hardcore eating disorders such as compulsive overeaters and bulimics typically binge multiple times a day. So in comparison, I'm not doing too shabby. But I know that moderation is a key in my life that I can't seem to master. And I know that I need healthier coping mechanisms for my pain, but I can't seem to find any that really do it for me. Blogging this right now is pretty good... now if I could get myself to turn to this FIRST and not after I've already stuffed myself with food, that would be fantastic. But what else can I do to fill me? What can fill me besides food? I know that God is the answer. But how do I exactly get Him to fill me? How do I find comfort in Him? But the most important question of all, how do I find this balance in my eating, and finally master this whole "all or nothing" attitude with food?