Pretty boring, but hectic. And sickening, honestly.
Here's what my life has been for the past 8 weeks:
- Stressed with school work -- finals last semester and now I'm taking a 4-week session that has me SLAMMED constantly. Can barely spend time with anyone!
- Pretty much abandoned my relationship with God. Having a hard time fitting in time for devos or watching Joyce, and honestly, I've been a bit POed with God -- next bullet somewhat explains it...
- RELAPSE. Oh joy.
- Started with crazy binge-eating with finals, which led to weight gain, and then...
- Began restricting again. As usual, started out fairly innocently. Just wanted to lose what I gained during finals. But, of course, I can't do things in moderation, can I?
- So lost more weight. Got back into the fasting/binging/purging with laxatives and diuretics mode.
- Got down to about 6 lbs below the minimum weight my nutritionist wanted me to be (not to say too much about numbers, but BMI was about 19, which isn't underweight so a part of me doesn't understand why this has been considered "bad"-- that's the ED talking)
- The past week has been b/p non-stop, and now I'm back in my range, even though it's all in my stomach... yay for bloating
So, I am trying to get back on track. Although I do want to be thin, more than that, I want to live. I want to be fit and healthy. I want a social life (even though it is minimal anyways lol). I want to be able to focus when I am in classes and when I am talking to people. I want to love my body, even though that's a toughy. And I want purpose in life. I know that life is about so much more than myself, my body, and what I eat. My life is about what God wants me to do and what He has created me to do.
You may not understand why I'm writing this, but a huge part of having an ED is secrecy and trying to sugar-coat how bad things are. So this is me reaching out and trying to get my life back. Here's a snippet of what I plan to do to get back on track:
- Get back to structured/regular eating-- make sure I'm getting the nutrients I need and try to let myself have foods I'm craving in moderation
- Be open and honest-- I suck at reaching out because I feel like a whiny baby. But at the same time, I worry about people trying to be too much in my business. So I need a balance in this area, between being super-dependent and shutting people out.
- Focus on taking care of my body and being fit and healthy rather than fixating on a "thin" image. Trying to be who the world wants me to be isn't worth the price. Along with this, I need to be okay being at the range my nutritionist has advised me to be at, even though most of the time I feel "fat" at that weight... bleh.
- Work on my relationship with God-- as hard as it is, I need to learn to trust Him, to rely on Him for strength, and to focus on Him rather than food/myself
- Figure out how to deal with my emotions/issues that led me to relapse in the first place, such as handling stress, managing relationships, dealing with low self-esteem, identity issues, etc.