Focus

Vision has been the theme of my life lately it seems. It seems like when God is trying to speak to me, he confirms things in threes: 1) Both my best friend and my boyfriend had trouble with their vision last week, one because of surgery and the other because of an eye infection. 2) My mentor gave me some sermons to listen to by Michelle Davenport, and one of them is about "focal infections", about what happens when we are focused on the wrong things, and about the picture above.

The 3rd source of confirmation is a bit more interesting, especially because it was the most unexpected source. In my Sports Psychology class today, we had to pair off and do an exercise. One person was blindfolded while the other lead them around campus. I contemplated skipping the class because I didn't know anyone, and being led around campus blind requires trust. I heard others joking about running their partners into poles and signs, which of course worried me! Luckily we were able to choose our partners, and I chose a girl that I normally sit next to (I figured a girl would be less likely to lead me into a busy street haha). So I was the first to be blindfolded, which was pretty scary. The first time around, she had to direct me only through non-verbal communication (through touch, for example), and the second time she could only verbally direct me. Luckily, she was very sweet and did her best not to run me into any trees lol. After the exercise was over, we talked about how neither one of us knew anyone else in the class, and how through that exercise we trusted each other more.

Just how we have to trust those who are leading us in the dark, we have to trust God when we do not know what is going on in our lives. Whether we are unsure of what God's purpose is for us is, or if we are just going through something that we are unsure of why it is happening, we have to keep our eyes on God and trust that He sees what we don't. In her sermon, Michelle Davenport says, "The longer you look at something, the stronger it becomes." She warns against making the problems in our lives bigger than the Problem Solver because of this tendency to make the problems in our lives stronger by focusing too much on them, whether it be through worry, repeatedly talking about the situation, etc. We must live our lives intentionally each day to focus on God, on what He wants for us, and to cast all of our worries and fears on Him.

For me, I have realized that many times when I give into my addictions, it is when I have lost my focus. Rather than trusting God that He will carry me through my circumstance, I begin to worry, to take my life into my own hands, and carry my own burdens. Because I don't know why God puts me through certain things, I, as hard as it is to admit, choose to take care of them in my own way (i.e., binging, restricitng, or just paying way too much attention to my weight and how much I eat). And once I take on my own burdens, I get too tired to fight and do the right thing. Every day must be intentional, no matter how tiring it can be. But luckily, God offers new strengths and new mercies every day in order to renew my resolve to stay focused. I must remember that God is bigger than any insecurity or situation I face. Verbally speaking to those "mountains" in our lives gives the power of the situation back to the solution rather than to the problem!

Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He Who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise

"Rise" by Shawn McDonald

You Are More

Hebrews 12:1-2
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

I am 22 days "abstinent" from any eating disorder behaviors, and I feel great. I feel freer, stronger, more confident, happier, and more like who God has made me to be each day I take in the right direction.
Although I haven't binged, I have had days where I have eaten more than I thought I should, based on my meal plan.
It was a Tuesday night after my long day at school, and I try to wind down. The bagels my parents bought have been screaming my name for a few days, and carbs sound awesome for relaxing after a stressful day.
I tell myself I can have half. One half turns into three halves, plus a few spoonfuls of jam. Then I turn to the chicken salad.
I see where this is leading, so I stop, assess my satisfaction level, and march myself to bed.
I wake up in the morning with dread, like I had committed a crime the night before.
I begin the mental berating: "I shouldn't have eaten that", "I'm gonna get fat", "Now I have to eat less and workout more", "What clothes can I hide in today?"
While this is going on in my mind, God tells me, "Your worth is based in me, not in what you eat"
...Wow! I thought that since I had given up weighing myself routinely, my identity was no longer in what the scale said.
While this may be true, I am still identifying myself in different ways other than who God says I am.
I rate my worth on how well I eat or how much I exercise.
I judge how good of a student I am by if I have A's or not.
I rate how good of a friend I am based on how much I talk to or spend time with them, how often I ask them how they are, etc.
I rate how good of a girlfriend I am by how happy Matt is with me at the time.
I am still basing my worth on my performance, on my works, on what I believe I can control rather than on what Christ died on the cross to give me.
HE says I am righteous, His child, His beloved, holy and blameless, forgiven, accepted, transformed in His image, all because He died, not because I did anything to deserve it.
I am worth more than a poor grade, or an upset boyfriend, or a stupid onion bagel.

So let us get our eyes off ourselves, rating our worth by what we do or how we look, and keep our eyes on Him, keeping our eyes on the prize, on knowing Him, on loving others, on being who He created us to be <3