Emotion Dump

It's obviously been a while since I've blogged, and it's mostly because school has been crazy busy. I have been having a hard time because food is still a struggle. Some weeks are awesome, and other weeks are horrible. I still have a tendency to use food as comfort. Luckily, I do think that the struggle has decreased a ton. The hold that the eating disorder had on me is not nearly as powerful as it used to be. But at the same time, I still end up binge eating about once a week. There are things that I don't know how to handle.

For example, my main issue is just plain old food cravings. A food will get in my head, and it won't get out of my head until I get that food. Then usually, once I get that food, I get this, "well, screw it" attitude and end up eating a ton more food than I want. I know that I can probably solve this problem by allowing myself the food I'm craving in a moderate portion by working it into my daily eating plan. However, there's this second issue that has been hidden for a while, but has recently reared it's head big time: EMOTIONS. Food is very much still my comfort. I'm stressed about school, let's eat. I'm stressed about how I feel like I'm being controlled by my boyfriend: let's eat a box of donuts. I feel invisible and unloved: nothing Ben & Jerry's can't fix. I am anxious because it's the night before a group project is due and it hasn't been turned in: warm cookies will soothe my fears. I know from treatment that I am supposed to rely on God for these things. And I know that He is always here. But I'm not sure how to rely on Him when most of the time I can't feel Him. At least food is tangible: I can touch it, feel it, taste it. I can feel the physical effects of it filling me and soothing me.

There's a whole ball of issues with God as well. I haven't felt like I've been a "good" Christian because my relationships with the people in my life have been deficit. I have few close people in my life to begin with, mostly due to my somewhat intense shyness. But with the people in my life who are there, I feel like I'm just a complete jerk that can't change. I am supposed to be Christ-like, and yet I am pretty snappy with the people that I love the most. Matt always feels like I reject him because I am not very physically affectionate. My parents are distant and practically absent from my life; they are there physically, but emotionally I can't seem to connect with them. And the two other pretty significant people in my life, my pretty close friends, well we just don't seem to have much time for each other. So, I feel pretty much alone and disconnected. Food is the only thing that I feel like is there always. It's never too busy for me. It never pulls away from me. It never accuses me of rejecting it.

On the flip side, I know that I can't keep doing this. I know that in the big picture, binging once a week probably isn't that big of a deal, especially since people with hardcore eating disorders such as compulsive overeaters and bulimics typically binge multiple times a day. So in comparison, I'm not doing too shabby. But I know that moderation is a key in my life that I can't seem to master. And I know that I need healthier coping mechanisms for my pain, but I can't seem to find any that really do it for me. Blogging this right now is pretty good... now if I could get myself to turn to this FIRST and not after I've already stuffed myself with food, that would be fantastic. But what else can I do to fill me? What can fill me besides food? I know that God is the answer. But how do I exactly get Him to fill me? How do I find comfort in Him? But the most important question of all, how do I find this balance in my eating, and finally master this whole "all or nothing" attitude with food?

Honoring God With My Body

I've really struggled these past 2 months since I've been home in "walking out" what I've learned at Mercy. But I know that God is being patient with me, so I need to learn to be patient with myself. My body and mind are going through a lot, and I need to just learn to rely on Him to get me through. In the midst of the chaos, I need to keep in mind that as long as I am doing what I need to do in order to be healthy and to honor God, then He will take care of the rest!
So I want to make a list of what it means to honor God with my body. It can be hard to discern what the world says I should do for/to my body, and what God actually wants me to do. I am sure I will need to work on this list later on down the road, but I figured I would at least brainstorm while I had the chance, and edit this later once I have some time to really pray about this issue.

Honoring God with my body means...
1. Eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am satisfied
2. Making healthy choices the best I can with the resources available
3. Being in tune with my body to know what I need and want
4. Asking myself whether I am glorifying God by eating what I am eating
5. Making sure I am eating for nourishment rather than personal pleasure or emotional comfort (while I believe that food is meant to be enjoyable, that is not the sole purpose of food!)
6. Exercising in a way that feels good to my body, and not being legalistic with scheduling, intensity, or duration.
7. Having balance: not having to be "perfect" with my eating, but also not going overboard and living without "holy" restraint
8. Seeking guidance from God what to eat rather than letting myself being influenced by my own cravings or what the world tells me to eat through advertisements, health/medical advice, etc.
9. Not punishing myself through restriction in any way, but having "holy" and "healthy" restraint for the purposes of glorifying Him
10. No "body-bashing". God created my body the way He intended it to be, and He lives in it. No point in dissin' His crib or masterpeice! haha.
11. Being smart with my money; not just buying something to eat or drink just because the money is there.
12. Not just eating food because it is there; not using it to pass time or out of fear that "no one else will eat it"
13. Making wholesome choices when I financially can, and not basing what I eat based on it's caloric content

This is all I can come up with for now. Hope to update it and edit it as I pray about this issue and grow in my recovery and walk with Him :)

Things That Make Me Joyful (Part 2)

Joyful Thing 7: City Lights

Joyful Thing 8: "Elf" :)

Joyful Thing 9: Funny pictures!

Joyful Thing 10: Being in Nature (Picture taken at Amicalola Falls in Blue Ridge)

Joyful Thing 11: Hanging with my brother Shane

Joyful Thing 12: Getting Revelation

Joyful Thing 13: Sweet Potato and Black Bean Chili

Joyful Thing 14: Drinking pomegranate tea before bed

Joyful Thing 15: Renewing my mind by speaking God's Word!



Things That Make Me Joyful (Part 1)

One of my goals was to start posting 100 things that make me joyful, so I figured I would try to start it! Here we go :)

Joyful Thing 1: Running

Joyful Thing 2: Diet Mountain Dew :)

Joyful Thing 3: Being with my man :)

Joyful Thing 4: Listening to music

Joyful Thing 5: Dexter

Joyful Thing 6: Finding awesome and inspirational photos and quotes :)

Joyful Thing 7: Being reminded that my body is lovely just the way it is :)

 

2011 Goals (A Little Late!)

I know you're supposed to make goals for the new year BEFORE the year gets here, but I realized today that I really needed to get some goals written out and make sure that I am daily refocusing my attention on the right things.

1. Make a schedule for each day. For whatever reason, having empty space in my schedule causes issues for me! I get bored and anxious, and if I'm not careful, it leads me to do self-destructive things.

2. Limit time spent alone. If I am alone at home, I want to work on going to a public place like Border's or Rev to study, or go to a friend's house. Being in my house for too long makes me bored too! Boredom seems to be a killer!

3. Stay continuously connected to God through prayer, reading or listening to the Word, speaking the Word, and listening to worship music. I have noticed when I go even 30 minutes without doing these things, I have let my guard in for the devil to attack!

4. Learn to take things one day at a time. I forget too often that I have to be consistent in fighting the enemy. It doesn't take just one time; I have to do it everyday. And everyday I have to rely on God's strength to get me through the day.

5. Keep a health- and God-centered mind at all times. I want to always remember to glorify God in my every action, in whatever I eat or drink, in what I say, and in how I spend my time.

6. Don't ignore His voice! There are days (like today *ahem*) where I struggle, I hear Him speaking to me and giving me the answer and guiding me in the right direction, but I ignore Him even though I know in the end I will regret it! How stupid I can be sometimes! I want to work on being obedient, and wanting to obey Him with 100% of my heart, not just when I feel it's convenient for me!

Now for some more superficial goals...

7. Run a 10k. I can do the distance, but I want to be able to run an actual race! And run the whole 6.2 miles without having to stop!

8. Get savings account up to $500. It is currently at about $274, so I'm over halfway there!

9. Get in touch with my artistic side! I've never been super artitstic, but I have found that I love making collages! A goal of mine is to finish a wall in my room with some collages!

10. Make straight A's. This is a long shot, but it is possible if I work hard enough! I am a junior in college and I have never had straight A's. I usually end up with 1 or 2 B's. So this may not happen, but it is a nice goal :)

11. Make a list of things that make me joyful! I have noticed other people doing this on other various blogs, and I think it would be very helpful! I am thinking about working on a list of "100 Things That Make Me Joyful". I am hoping that it will help me keep my mind and attitude focused on the really important things in life!

 I hope to be able to regularly look back on these goals and to track my progress! I also hope these goals will keep me focused, will help me to "forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead, and to strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize" (Phil. 3:13-14)

Refocused

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

Man, God has been having a field day with me lately!

I have been trying to master the art of seeking God's guidance in everything and trusting in Him. Over the past few days, I have forgotten what it is to have a health-centered attitude about my body and food than it is to have an appearance-centered one. I know that God wants me to honor my body because it is His temple, not because I will look a certain way. God reminded me today that I need to trust Him with my weight and with guiding me with what and how much I eat rather than trying to control it on my own. But at the same time, I know there has to be balance: I still must care about what I eat and how much I weigh, but from a health standpoint. And I must plan my meals and have structure, but not be legalistic. It's all about balance. It's about having grace with myself, to be able to let myself "splurge" every now and then. But only in quality of the food, not in quantity. I forget that gluttony is a sin, so I want to remember that overeating in any way is the exact opposite of glorifying God. I want to be more mindful of how I am treating my body because I want to do what is right. I need my motivation to be right.

Even past the issue of eating healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, I am working on balancing my life in general: balancing relaxing time with time to work, balancing how much time I spend with the people in my life, etc. I am learning how to do enough but not too much. I want to work on being able to be a student, a Christian, a leader, a daughter, a girlfriend, and eventually a counselor, but to be able to do them without stretching myself too thin, and under God's guidance. I want to work on glorifying God with everything I do: in my running, eating, studying, reading, how I spend my time and my money, with what I watch and listen to, and who I associate with. I want to be completely guided by Him rather than me trying to take control of everything. You would think I would have learned by now that when I try to control things, they don't work out! Because God is the creator of everything in my life, so of course only He knows best! The battle between the flesh and the Spirit is so evident when it comes to control; it's second-nature to control my life, and yet each day I am gradually learning to let God take control, because I want what He wants for me! Jesus knows best, and it's about time that I let Him take the wheel and take me where He wants me to go, to take care of my body the way He wants me to, to interact with people that He places in my life rather than who I want there, to pursue the profession that He has called me to rather than the one that I think will earn me the most money or security.

I am refocused. God has pressed the "reset" button in my mind. I have remembered that I am to worship God in everything I do, including my thoughts and motives behind my actions. My prayer today is for God's guidance and grace, and for protection against temptation, the temptation to not take care of my body, to become obsessive over anything but Him, to take the control over my life out of His hands, and to follow my own knowledge and reasoning rather than having faith like a child in the God who knows all and has my best interest at heart.

I'm Not Alone

I am reading this book called "Permission to Speak Freely", and it is really inspiring. It is about how churches are filled with people who are scared. Scared of revealing their struggles. Scared of judgement. Scared of failure. Unable to receive God's grace and mercy because they fear man, so they fear God. I can relate.

I grew up in church, as a pastor's daughter, so I did grow up with many masks. I learned early on how to play the role of the pastor's/preacher's daughter: wear the dresses, smile pretty, don't make a fuss, don't cry, don't get angry, agree with everything that the church says, don't get involved with boys, don't be too silly, be sociable, blah blah blah. So many rules and expectations. Never feeling like I was good enough. Scared of who I was, hiding behind all of my pretty, shiny masks. Always trying to be who everyone wanted me to be in order to keep daddy's reputation.

After years of doing this (plus a few other important factors such as trauma and my own poor decision making skills), I developed some pretty major issues. All of my masks were crushing me. They began to tighten their grip on me, much like the black gunk that latched itself onto Spider Man in Spider Man 2. I couldn't tell who was really me and who was fake. So I became fake. This is what landed me at Mercy Ministries 6 months ago. There they said my main problem was being authentic. I was frustrated and very confused; you see, I thought I was real. But I wasn't. I was still putting on the same smile, saying I was fine, that my life was great, because I mean, I found out who Christ really was so all I was all better, right? Wrong. I didn't know who I was in Christ, which is who we all really are. We are never the real "us" until we've figured out who Christ really is and we come to know and believe who He has made us to be. And we will never know that until we can become real about our humanness.

So this is me being real. I'm sick of being the quiet girl who never stirs up trouble, but instead suffocates herself. God didn't create me sit idly and watch life pass me by. He created me to use my voice, even if that does mean causing some controversy every now and then. So, really, the holidays were hard for me this year, just as they have been the past 3 years or so. I just got home from Louisiana, and have been trying to get used to being in the same environment that I was in when I was stuck in the grips of bulimia, trying to discover how to handle life in a different way. Trying to figure out how to be in the house where I would frequenly suffocate myself with food and learn how to turn to other things to soothe myself, especially when the food is right there staring me in the face. I have been discovering how to use my voice when I would otherwise back down and surrender my rights in order not to "hurt anyone's feelings". But what was different about this year was that even though I ended up eating too much on Christmas Eve and Christmas, I learned to pick myself back up. I learned to repent to God for not turning to Him when I needed help, and I learned to stop myself in the midst of my self-destructive behavior, fill myself with the truth, and to start over new rather than beating myself up for the next week. I am learning that I must replace my addiction to food with addiction to Christ.

Something else this book made me realize is that I am truly not alone. Statistically, I know this. As a psychology major, I know about how millions upon millions go into treatment for depression, sexual sins, self-harm, drug abuse, and eating disorder behavior just like I have. But to know that people are scared to be real (or have truly lost who they are) is a sad comfort. It is nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, but it is devastating to know that pretty much everyone is having an identity crisis, and that people are turning to drugs, food, shopping, relationships, approval of others, success, money, material objects, sex, etc to find who they are rather than turning to the church, who are meant to be extensions of Christ. And because the Church has generally failed at being Christ's hands and feet, we have failed to point people to Christ. We are all hurting, and it is pretty much all our fault. We are scared of being real, unsure of who God made us to be and if He would actually love us, and yet we spiritually cripple others by not allowing them to be real.

So this is me being real. I have been angry with the church and with my loved ones for a very long time. I have been sexually abused. I have struggled in the past with drug abuse, bulimia, anorexia, and self-mutilation. I have been labelled as and diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. I have struggled with pornography and questioned my sexuality. I have been in unhealthy relationships with men for years at a time, and stayed with them out of fear of lonliness and out of the fear of the possibility that I may be unloveable. I have lived in fear my whole life of people's opinion of me. I have tried and failed my whole life to try to fit the mold of the world. I have tried to stuff my pain, struggles, anger, and sadness with my various addictions and struggles.

But I am transforming. I know that God created me to be so much more than a ball of issues. He desires to use those issues, my dirty laundry, in order to help clean others' lives up. I no longer have to stuff who I am inside. I can let it shine. I don't know who I am completely yet, but I am unpeeling the layers slowly. I know who Christ created me to be, and I am in the process of living it out. I am no longer bound by my eating disorder, but it is still a temptation. God never said that I would never struggle again, but He did say that He would allow a way out for every temptation, that He would forgive me when I do fall, and that He would provide me with the strength to overcome any temptation, addiction, or struggle. I have permission to speak freely. I can say what I need, feel, think, and want. And I don't have to live in fear of man. For if my God is for me, then who can be against me?

All images from Permission to Speak Freely